Feeling so?

I look around me and everyone seems non-lonely

Is there even a word?

We'll for me I'm crying 

I'm falling and crumbling apart

I feel oh so alone in this great big huge world around me

I didn't ask to be put here

If I could ask to have a choice

I would choose

Non-existence 

Yes that word 

Makes a lot more sense

To me

I hate this world 

And everything in it

Including me

And I hate this feeling in the pit

Of my stomach

And in my insides

In every inch of me

I feel like

 I'm going to crash

Pills and more pills

Nothing seems to work

It never goes away

It just seems to get worse

I'm so tired

I'm tired of crying 

Will I ever run out of tears?

I hate this illness 

The illness

I guess that's what they say I have

But it seems to be incurable 

In my case

What must everyone think?

When they see me 

Cry

And 

Cry

And

Cry

How pathetic

Is she?

Really?

When will it end

I want it just to end 

What is normal anyway?

Author: unknown?

 

The other night he felt like cutting off his leggs

A friend confessed to me the other night that he felt like cutting off his legs...

I thought what must it feel like to be in that much pain? I mean this person has been going through so much pain ever since he was 27 years old and he's now at the age of 45 that's 17 years of agony! hes been fighting with the state for the last five years for disability to which they keep denying him. I mean really what does it take? does he really have to cut both his legs off? 

he keeps popping those vicodins, next thing you know it will be his liver... but you know those doctors their good in giving em plenty of them pain killers... being doped up all day like a zombie. Now  he's regularly visiting a psychiatrist who has diagnosed him with manic depressant and P.T.S.D. 


So whats your thoughts on the governments ideas on whats really there ideas of a real disability? because honestly I see some pretty healthy people who are claiming there disabled and really there just scamming the system. When we have some real true people like my friend that really need the help. I hope he gets it before he goes to the extreme of cutting his legs off...  
Please share your thoughts if you would...




I will pray for you my sweet friend....

Vanity Fair

Vanity Fair

I finally had a chance to watch Vanity Fair last night, Since we decided to get netflix I have had the oppertunity to enjoy so many great movies that before I never before had the pleasure of viewing. So of course I have to pick my period drama movies first. 
I so enjoyed this movie due to Reese Witherspoon playing in it I don't think she even plays in a movie that I don't like. 
The story line was very interesting though...
Growing up poor in London, Becky Sharp (Witherspoon) defies her poverty-stricken background and ascends the social ladder alongside her best friend, Amelia.

Storyline

William Makepeace Thackeray's witty assessment of the British class system, as seen through the experiences of one young woman, is brought to the screen with some serious star power in this period comedy drama. Becky Sharp (Reese Witherspoon) is a bright and ambitious girl born to a poor British family. Becky is determined to make something of herself however she can, and after accepting a job as a nanny for the children of the powerful and aristocratic Sir Pitt Crawley (Bob Hoskins), she wastes no time ingratiating herself with the family. Pretty Becky catches the eye of Crawley's handsome and eligible son Rawdon (James Purefoy), and becomes chummy with sharp-tongued Aunt Matilda (Eileen Atkins). Between the two of them, Becky is introduced to London's most exclusive social circle, where she becomes re-acquainted with Amelia Sedley (Romola Garai), a former school chum who is amused by Becky's efforts to scale the ladder of social influence. Becky weds Rawdon, but following initial happiness, the social and economic stability she dreamed of begins to collapse when he begins drowning his troubles in gambling and drink, and soon she turns to the powerful Marquess of Steyne (Gabriel Byrne) for support. Meanwhile, Amelia's fortunes fall even harder following the death of her husband. Vanity Fair was directed by Mira Nair, who enjoyed a surprise international success with 2002's Monsoon Wedding. ~ Mark Deming, Rovi

Its like I really wanted to see Reese Witherspoon's role move up the social ladder but the way she went about it was not the best way, it was her downfall especcially when she sent her son away I totally lost all respect for her. 

And then her friend Amelia what a pathetic sight I must admit. In the begining her love for that idiot Captain George Henry Osborne. I mean he was a jerk in the beginning to the end. I mean to fall for your best friends friend that kind of tells you what kind of scum ball he is. Of course Amelia finally finds out in the end. 

Mansfield Park

Jane Austen's  Mansfield Park

For the past couple of nights I've been entertaining myself with watching Jane Austen's Mansfield Park. 

I must admit it was quite good and made me want to be like Fannie Price even though in this time in age who could? unless your of an angelic creature. And to think of one so good hearted and enduring. I definatelly had to look up this certain word I always question myself from time to time when I do not use a certain word often. And I found this :en·dur·ing 

adj.

1. Lasting; continuing; durable: a novel of enduring interest.

2. Long-suffering; patient.

I found this definition of Fanny to be her.
 Poor dear sweet Fannie she really did endure...
And like they say good things happen to those who wait.
I am so happy she did not fall for the fake play that Henry Crawford tried. 
And I just love that about Fanny that she may come off passive and you would think gullible but she stood by her instincts and heart and the outcome was what prevailed. And lets not forget Henry, he gave in to his lust and went off with Maria.
So lets see... 
you then have Maria, the daughter of Sir Thomas Bertram. 
What a piece of work right? She has a perfectly great husband yes I know he's not the handsomest but by god you know he's trust worthy and loves her. Which makes makes him beautiful. 
So typical of Maria to run off with Mr.Crawford, you ask me they deserve each other.
 So they're both ruined at the end for their selfishness and lust to which we all know doesn't last.
Then you have...
  Edmund Bertram. The Bertrams' younger son. He will become a clergyman.The only one of the Bertrams' children with a good head and a good heart, Edmund is Fanny's closest companion.
Then Edmund blindly falls in love with shallow Mary which almost becomes the fall of him.

Then of course there is Mary Crawford...
 She is beautiful and charming, but also shallow and evil. She becomes friends with a reluctant Fanny, while Edmund falls in love with and nearly proposes to her.
 Then of course there's 
Henry Craford...
  -  Mary's brother. He is equally charming and possibly even more amoral, and he possesses a sizeable estate. First Maria and Julia fall in love with him, and he takes to Maria, despite her engagement. When Maria marries and the sisters leave Mansfield, he falls for Fanny and proposes to her. Everyone is convinced he is a changed man.
To we know the answer to that one...

I really found this Movie to be very well made and I thank my dear Jane Austen for another huge sucess. I almost to want to compare this to A Jane eyre but I cannot quite do this you see only in the same as maybe the role of Jane eyre to Fanny they both attain the some what same characteristics.
This one film was filmed in 1983 
And I've noticed that it had been remade several times. I really do look forward to seing the more modern versions, anything Jane Austen really I just adore and will definatelly occupy my time viewing and will be content. 

Miss Austen Regrets

There is a Jane Austen movie called Miss Austen regrets and it was just amazing! Even if you are not  a Jane Austen fan I think this movie is for anyone.
It makes you feel like you need to appreciate youth while you have it. And also that you really don't have to be married to be happy. Especially when back in the 1800's it was destiny that every girl would  look forward to meet a boy then marry and have children. But not for Jane Austen her destiny was to be the best Author and become rich for it. There was no way she was going to let a man dictate her future.

The ending of this movie was so sad but well written.

“Single women have a dreadful propensity for being poor...which is one very strong argument in favour of matrimony...
Quote from a Jane Austen Letter 13 March, 1817”

Here is the youtube fan trailer...

Jane Austen Persuasion....

“I can listen no longer in silence. I must speak to you by such means as are within my reach. You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it, eight years and a half ago. Dare not say that man forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you. Unjust I may have been, weak and resentful I have been, but never inconstant. You alone have brought me to Bath. For you alone, I think and plan. Have you not seen this? Can you fail to have understood my wishes? I had not waited even these ten days, could I have read your feelings, as I think you must have penetrated mine. I can hardly write. I am every instant hearing something which overpowers me. You sink your voice, but I can distinguish the tones of that voice when they would be lost on others. Too good, too excellent creature! You do us justice, indeed. You do believe that there is true attachment and constancy among men. Believe it to be most fervent, most undeviating, in F. W.

I must go, uncertain of my fate; but I shall return hither, or follow your party, as soon as possible. A word, a look, will be enough to decide whether I enter your father's house this evening or never.”
― Jane Austen, Persuasion




Why cannot love exists

Only truly in Jane Austin's world

To know

To feel

Love like Persuasion


This movie moved me so to want and desire to be transported back in time when pure love actually existed and lasted for eternity....

Oh the persuasion of it all....











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Black Friday nightmare at the Vintage faire mall in Modesto Ca.

Black Friday nightmare!

Well first of all I really had no intention of going out to this years Black Friday.

My sister came buy with my niece and invited us to go out and accompany them to the local mall.
And since being full from eating dinner that night I thought it being a good idea to walk it off a bit.

So My daughter and I thought a good idea to go and check out the apple store to see what deals they were going to be having.

We showed up around 9 pm and to find no one hanging around, so we decided this was perfect,
first in line great!
Just outside the store was an outside area with tables and chairs with free wifi what else could we want to pass the time it was quite chilly that night so I encouraged my 9 year old daughter to walk around a bit to warm up.
Well we weren't there but maybe 15 minutes when I heard a terrible blood curdling scream from my daughter coming from a few feet from me.
I rushed to see my daughter underneath hundreds of pounds of cement from an outdoor fountain that fell over on top of her.
I quickly fell to my knees and tried lifting this from her two feet which were pinned underneath.
She was screaming and I also was screaming for her to pull her feet out.
As much as I tried, I could not budge that heavy cement off her feet, it was so heavy!
All I could think was that her poor feet were broken from the weight. By some miracle she pulled her feet out.
Still screaming and crying and wet from the water from this gigantic contraption.
I dragged her to a bench nearby.
By then there were three girls there. I guess they were waiting down the way by one of the nearby stores.
One girl offered to call 911 and another offering my daughter a blanket.
Within minutes it seemed the paramedics were there assisting my daughter.
At the time when my daughter had all that heavy cement on top her I felt so helpless and desperate that I couldn't lift it off her.
I thought her feet were broken.
I couldn't understand how an innocent night could turn into a nightmare from hell!
I had never felt so scared and worried as a mother in my whole life! I felt like a complete failure as a nurturing mother to let something like this happen.
Come to find out what really happened was that my daughter was reaching up with her feet to see if she could get a better look into the fountain to see the coins from atop the upper level of the fountain and the lower base gave way.
This certain water fountain was quite not affixed to the other half which made the whole structure give way.
As unlucky as this night was , the paramedics did mention that she was lucky that she was not right in front of the fountain but she was standing on the side of the fountain.
So if she was in front of it, it would of fell on top her head which would of led to worse injuries maybe even death!
Today is Saturday night she is safe at home with me and alive and very much traumatized from this accident.
She has been having terrible nightmares at night and I feel so terrible for her.
My poor little girl , I wish we would had never been out that night and Safe in our own home.
But who was to know what that night was to be.
After departing from the mall the paramedics took us both to the hospital my daughter still crying they took x-rays to find out no broken bones.
I was in utter shock and disbelief and relieved at the same time. Witnessing what i had seen that night I COULDN'T BELIEVE HER feet were not broken.
She did leave the hospital with crutches and a brace for one of her feet. She did have a torn muscle and sprain.
The next day I awoke to pain so severe in my back and I felt like a truck had hit me.
I went to the doctors and found out I pulled my back when trying to lift that heavy cement off my daughter.
My daughter though much worse of course.
When all this was done and behind us,
I cannot understand how a shopping mall would allow for an outside structure like that fountain was not affixed to the building or the ground and not stable?
I am very concerned and puzzled how an accident like this could had been avoided? This was a catastrophe waiting to happen.

If the public happens to come across my story I wish to thank those wonderful young girls who were out that night at the Vintage Faire Mall located in Modesto Ca. Right near the Apple store

And also those two men from the paramedics that were so helpful and caring thank you so much!

If you happen to be at the mall outside of the area where I have described, you will see the fountain gone and can no longer be a liability to ones safety.









This fountain is not the one that fell on my daughter but I just wanted to show an example of the weight of what one might be


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